They say never shop when you are hungry, you will spend too much, buy too much crap, buy what you fancy in the moment ... and then when you get home eat a banana.
What they don't say is never shop when you are hungry and desperately sad.
I have to stand up and admit to being absolutely heartbroken when we came out from visiting Mum at her care home at the start of the week. I knew for a fact that if I just let Alan drive us all the way home without doing some thing different I would be sobbing for an hour and putting him under additional stress to concentrate on the road.
So, at my suggestion and fully admitting why, we went to Marks & Spencer ... for a look at their Christmas offerings. I thought that being in public and in a brightly lit store I would have to pull myself together and who knows maybe even have a little fun. As you can see from the slightly blurry photo, we may have done a little bit more than look.
We spent just over £95, Alan's half being the larger as it is very meat, seafood and cheese orientated. Mine was a few treats for Christmas and some day to day foods that I am currently working my way through in date order as my freezer is full to capacity.
Did it work?
I have to admit that in the moment it did, but halfway home the lump was back in my throat, the ache was back in my heart ... and I had the added guilt of a spend that I knew I didn't need to feel guilty about, but did anyway.
This year has just about broken me and I am not ashamed to admit it.
Sue xx
Oh Sue my heart goes out to you we had a terrible year with my mum who had a major fall in June and smashed her femur in 10 places, from this she recovered but there were other problems she came home but as she had lost almost all her mobility she gave up and basically stopped eating finally returning to hospital at end of august and passing away on 1st September. We never got to say goodbye as she was found unresponsive in bed by nursing staff my father has been inconsolable my mum was 83 and my dad is 86 and they started going out when my mum was 14 and married 1962. You’re in my thoughts. Heather
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I really feel for you, and of course for your poor father. What a terrible turn of events, a variation of what we have been going through for the last two years. But Mum is the last of our 'parents' so we don't have the additional problem of trying to console a partner.
DeleteI am sorry life is so tough right now - I think nice food and a few treats can help make you feel a tiny bit better even just for a little while.
ReplyDeleteI think it's mostly that it's been going on for so long, there's only so much support you can offer to everyone else, before it all catches up with you doesn't it. Treats definitely help a smidge. :-)
DeleteTomorrow it is 11 years since my mum passed. We were never really close, but nevertheless, the path to the end was hard on the soul and mind, and I'm still reeling a little from it. You must be carrying a far heavier burden than I did, so I wish you all the strength in the world. Love S.
ReplyDeleteI think the burden is different but equal for everyone, don't put yourself down yours was as heavy to you as mine is to me. xx
DeleteI am so sorry for all the sadness you are experiencing, Sue. Enjoy the food you bought for you are nourishing your inner self, not just your body.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Bless, you always sound like you understand. xx
DeleteSo sorry to hear about your sadness and how things are going for your Mum.
ReplyDeleteNot really anything anyone can say to help but just keep keeping on the best you can.
We are keeping on keeping on as they say. Coming up to the second anniversary of thinking the end is very near is probably the toughest thing ever, we are permanent standby. Of our three parents each have died completely different deaths, and this run up is proving to be the hardest. But at least we know that Mum is somewhere safe.
DeleteYou are in my thoughts, Sue, and glad that you have Alan to look out for you at this sad time. Enjoy some of the lovely food and nurture yourself to keep yourself healthy in mind and body even though your heart is breaking. ❤️Catriona
ReplyDeleteThanks Catriona, Alan is doing his best for sure. xx
DeleteBonjour ,Ici aussi l'année 2025 a été une année pourrie ma cousine et son mari sont décédés à trois semaines d'intervalle au début de l'année et un jour après son anniversaire mon compagnon nous a quitté le 5 novembre et chaque jour avant son décès je quittai la maison de retraite en pleurs .
ReplyDeleteLes pleurs soulagent un petit peu notre peine ne l'efface pas.
Bon courage
Translation for everyone - Hello, 2025 was a terrible year for me too. My cousin and her husband died three weeks apart at the beginning of the year, and the day after his birthday, my partner passed away on November 5th. Every day before his death, I left the nursing home in tears.
DeleteCrying eases our grief a little, but it doesn't erase it.
Take care.
Je suis vraiment désolée d'apprendre ça, tu as traversé tellement d'épreuves. Je t'envoie tout mon amour. Sue xx
(I am so very sorry to hear this, you have been through so much. Sending you all my love. Sue xx)
This is an incredibly difficult time for you. You know she is being well cared for and you have nothing to feel guilty about on that score. It was a wise decision to have a diversion and go to M&S. May the knowledge that you have so many friends out here in Blogland who care, who truly empathise, and who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers right now, be a help to you in the darkest moments ❤️🙏
ReplyDeleteThat knowledge is so precious, thank you. xx
DeleteSo very sorry to hear how your Mum is declining.
ReplyDeleteI have a cherished memory of your Mum - many years ago I commented on one of your blogs when (sadly) you had felt the need to explain something and apologise for being who you were. Your Mum replied to my comment, thanking me for my kind words.
I have never forgotten her kindness to me, and still (somewhere) have a screenshot of the little exchange.
Thinking of you, xx
She used to read my blogs avidly, and when we were sorting through her things at the end of last year we found reams and reams of printed out blog posts, I dread to think what it cost her and my Dad in ink cartridges for their old printer!!
DeleteIt is such a horrible experience to see someone once so full of life slowly declining. We can sympathise. Do what you need to do to keep going and if it's a treat every now and again and helps, even temporarily, try not to feel guilty. Do what you can to have something to enjoy each day.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes
Ellie
It is very hard, to watch a loved one decline. She is now at the stage that she cannot move independently at all, even sitting up is now out of the question, so she lies supported by pillows all around her. Luckily for her, her mind has deteriorated too and has thankfully cushioned any knowledge that she could once do more. She has slept through the last two visits from me and Alan and my brother completely. Although when me and Alan were doing our usual 'double act' about something funny she did smile a little smile. xx
DeleteNo words just big (((Hugs))). xx
ReplyDeleteHugs are always very welcome. Thank you xx
DeleteMany of us have been in exactly the same position as you and oh how we feel for you. Lots of supportive vibes. Susan from France
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Yes, it happens to all of us one way or another doesn't it.
DeleteMy heart breaks for you Sue. I completely understand. For me it's my Dad. He's terminally ill, won't go in a home and is in complete denial. My life and my husbands is all about facilitating Dad's limited time on earth. It's hard physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeleteThe worse bit is being on call 24 hours a day. He has a fungating tumour and is at risk of a catastrophic bleed. He had a bleed last week but we managed to stop it with the adrenaline the nurses have provided. It was terribly upsetting. I am now on lorazepam .
I feel for you. There's nothing i can do except tell you I understand and send you a hug. Xx
The benefit of this last year of knowing that Mum is safe at the nursing home has relieved a lot of our pressure. Throughout 2024 we were up and down the motorway at least three times a week responding to emergencies, and when we were at home we were dealing with phone calls from the ambulance crews, the nurses or the carers. So I well know the state of being on call 24/7 and the organisation it requires. My heart breaks right back for you, what a tough time. xx
DeleteSo many of us have been where you are now - that doesn't make it easier for you, but know that we understand just how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much J. It's a sad club to be a part of isn't it. xx
DeleteSending hugs and good wishes. I really feel for you. My lovely boss has been going through this for over 2 years now. The stress has visibly aged him.
ReplyDeleteThank you. xx
DeleteIn a similar way 'luckily' for my brother, his boss went through this only a couple of years ago so he has been very generous with allowing Graham time off when needed. Something that is unusual for the Inland Revenue!!
So many wonderful comments above, I'm adding my heartfelt thoughts and prayers for you and your family too x
ReplyDeleteAlison in Devon x
Thank you Alison. xx
DeleteIt is so heartbreaking and something that I know I will have to face in the future too. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Carol. Sadly this is the way of the world isn't it. xx
DeleteSending a big hug your way. I did exactly what you are going through with my Mum, Dad and husband, so understand how you feel. Now, my one and only sister has stage 4 lung cancer, she has family to care for her but, as she is younger than me, I feel some responsibility is on my shoulders to see that she is OK.
ReplyDeleteBe thinking of you Sue and sending lots of virtual hugs to you, take care Margaret (Sussex) xx
ReplyDeleteYou are living a grief before grief...so very hard to put into words (and words are so inadequate). Be kind to yourself and deal with the days the best you can...a bit of distraction is sometimes necessary to plow through our messy emotions. XX
ReplyDeleteIts heartbreaking to see your loved ones deteriorate, sending love and hugs to you Alan. Xx
ReplyDeleteSorry your visit was terribly upsetting, you dealt with it intuitively so don't be too hard on yourself. I wish there was a way to deal with upset and grief but unfortunately it deals with us. Keep your pecker up Sue and enjoy some of your treats.
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what you are going through, sending lots of love.
Feeling very sad for you... today in Slimming World meeting, someone said that eating certain Christmas chocolates brought back memories of snuggling up to her mum and the comfort it gave her.. I had to turn away because I never had that as my mother died when I was 2.
ReplyDeleteI want to add my sympathy too for the heartbreak you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteWendy (Wales)
Hi Sue, I’m praying for you and your mom. Wish I could say something that would make things magically easier for you in this difficult time. Please take care of yourself. I know Alan will do his best for you. ~ Carol
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) from across the pond.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Don’t beat yourself up Sue. Being there for aged parents can be very heart wrenching at times. If you felt the need to visit M&S, then that was the right thing to do. You are fortunate to have Alan there with you. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Sue, it's so hard. It's been 11 years for my dad and 14 years for my mom but this brings it all back. All you can do is be there, hold her hand, stroke her hair or whatever you feel will bring you both some comfort. Savour the little treats and keep on doing the best you can. Thank goodness you have Alan by your side.
ReplyDeleteIt's our age, isn't it.... we've been through that loop with my mother after her stroke in 2012 - she lived severely disabled another three and a half years - and my father who broke his hip and died in hospital over Christmas last year. It's heart breaking and guilt making because you can never feel you've done enough, but that's so not true - we do what we can. I feel one has to look after yourself; Body mind and spirit; as long as a least two out of the three are ok and 'fed' one's got a chance of getting through this.
ReplyDeleteYour mum sounds well cared for .
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been there with my own mum and then father-in-law, but mum's end was the hardest to cope with. My heart goes out to you Sue. You have done, and are still doing, all you could possibly do for your mum. Be kind to yourself and know that we are all thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Angie xx
Just having the usual catch up on the way to see my mum. It is so hard isn't it with each visit you can detect more deterioration, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think of you all the time as I deal with my mum. It is the hardest time with an unknown ending...you can only keep going.
As people keep saying to me take time for yourself. X